questioning the guiding spirit

I trusted. I thought that beyond all there was a universal love, called God, who cared about me. No matter what abuse was hurled my way, in the end things would work out, and I would be cared for.
Now I am coming to understand that this faith kept me in an abusive situation when I should have loved myself enough to move on. So I am still coming to grips with this, and ultimately with my faith.
I sat with a dear friend yesterday on the roof garden of a delightful Indian /Thai restaurant in Halifax. In her love and zaniness she took me out to lunch. We talked about our lives, my recent break up. Then I talked about how I now saw that I kept in bad situations because I kept praying for healing, because I thought that I should stay and “learn the lesson”, “bloom where I’m planted” “use the now circumstances for my transformation”, but with all the prayer, the situation worsened and I wondered about prayer. The response from my friend was “If you, the minister don’t know, then how can the rest of us know?” It was said with laughter, but the truth is that not only am I in a financial mess because of the breakup, but I am in the midst of spiritual crisis. Some new must come out of this postpartum bloodbath.
Meanwhile the rhododendrons and azaleas are in bloom. The city with all its green is most beautiful, and I shall be, too.